April 2007 - Today's World

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Oh Dear

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Hello again and welcome to TodaysWorld.com.au I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing.
News from France:
Moderate Right Winger Nicolas Sarkozy and Socialist candidate Segolene Royal are both beginning intense campaigning for the second round of the votes in the French Presidential election set for May 6, 2007. Mr. Sarkozy received 31% of the votes in the April 22, 2007 balloting with Ms. Royal receiving almost 26% in preliminary in defeating 10 other candidates.
Opinion polls after Sunday's voting indicate the victory will go to Sarkozy.

Candidates in the French Election

Are we not paying enough attention?

Polar Bears Don't Read

Funny essay sent to me by Scott G. of Oakland, CA
English is a Crazy Language:

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,
2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Thanks Scott

All in a row

Puppies All In A Row

This sent by email from Mary O. of Marysville, WA:
On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone.
The pastor let the phone ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night.
The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.
The man said, "That's, OK. Let me tell you my story.
You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!"
The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from "Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!
If you believe that God answers prayers then pass this on. God bless!
READ EACH SENTENCE SLOWLY AND THINK ABOUT IT.
Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.
Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.
Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us.
When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Send this on to everyone special in your life, even the people who really make you mad sometimes and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!!
And send it back to the person who sent it to you if they mean something to you!! Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.
Just send this to (4) people and see what happens on the fourth day.
Do not break this, please There is no cost, but lots of rewards....
Thanks Mary

Quotable Quotes:
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying."
Oscar Wilde
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
Britney Spears (in the USA)
Comment: Even though Mr. Wilde passed on in 1900, it seems Britney takes his words seriously
Everybody loves a good bath, right?

Cat In A Bath

Are we having fun yet?

Thanks for visiting www.todaysworld.com.au; come on back again; please vote if you enjoyed the column and don't forget to click on my sponsors' links. Thanks

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Posted By: Theresa - Category: No Category

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We're All Neighbors

April 21st 2007 16:04

Welcome to Todaysworld.com.au; hope you enjoy
More Global warming news:
Item directly from Greenpeace and re-printed with permission)
Rainforest destruction in Africa
11 April 20

Green Peace

Children

Children sit on logs in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. An area of rainforest five times the size of Belgium has been allocated to the logging industry since 2002.

International — The Congo rainforest is the life support system for millions of people in the 'green heart' of Africa. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC) alone, 40 million people depend on the forest. Like all large intact forests, it's also crucially important for regulating the local and global climate.

As the world's second largest rainforest, the Congo rainforest is also home to some of Africa's most iconic wildlife including gorillas, chimpanzees, bonobos and forest elephants.

Today, we're releasing a new report, Carving Up the Congo, which exposes how international logging companies are causing social chaos and wreaking environmental havoc. It also reveals how the World Bank, by far the largest donor to the DRC, is failing to stop this destruction whilst the rainforest is being sold off under the illusion that it will alleviate poverty in one of the poorest countries on Earth.

Take Action - Help stop the destruction of the Congo rainforest
See the 'What a Carve Up' ecard animation (at Greenpeace site)

Our report shows how, in spite of a moratorium on new logging that has been in place since 2002, over 15 million hectares of rainforest have been granted to the logging industry - that's an area five times the size of Belgium, and much of this is in areas that are vital for protecting biodiversity.

Taxes paid by the companies for the rights to log the forest should be going to local forest communities to provide essential services that those of us in developed nations take for granted like education and healthcare. But even the World Bank admits that over the last three years, not a single penny paid by the logging companies has reached local communities. This leaves these people not only without the forest that provided their food, shelter and medicine, but without the benefits they had been promised.

In exchange for timber worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, logging companies are also giving communities gifts such as bags of salt and crates of beer worth less than US$100, and make promises to build schools and hospitals.

These promises are rarely fulfilled and there are reports that intimidation tactics are used against people who try to protest. We have heard stories of people being pushed into signing contracts (of which we have copies), even if they can't read the French in which they are written.

Not only that, but corruption is endemic and the local authorities are inadequately trained and equipped to enforce the law. Poorly paid officials sometimes have only a bicycle to help them patrol vast areas of rainforest, making it impossible to control the industry.

It sounds like bad news for the Congolese, but there is still time to prevent the destruction of the rainforest and see that alternative solutions are developed which will really help to lift the country out of poverty.

It's not too late to prevent the destruction of this incredible rainforest, and by putting pressure on the World Bank, that's exactly what we intend to do. (end of Greenpeace article; remember go to www.greanpeace.com

Today's World' comments: Why can't government and big business see that we are wasting our planet to the point of no return. Is the almighty dollar really worth more than life itself?

More Neighbors...

Neighbors

---- Whose baby is that? Courtesy of MaryAnn of Oakland, CA:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"

Cause of death? Again, from MaryAnn:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, dear," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Amendments To Employee Handbook, once more from Maryann (does she have too much time on her hands? - that's a joke, Maryann)
Dress Code:
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave:
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use:
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your
picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal-size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Thank you for your loyalty to our company

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Returning To Life As Usual

April 16th 2007 15:26

Hello again and welcome to todaysworld.com.au

Current News:
I’m not sure how to classify this story, so I’ll just report it:
Private First Class Joshua Sparling was wounded in the war in Iraq on November and was sent stateside. While at Walter Reed Medical Center he had a few moments to open what he believed to be “get well” card, only to find the following message: “Dear, Soldier Have a great time into he war and have a great time dieing (sic) in the war, from Solider Miguel P.S. DIE.”
Comment: to Miguel: Shame on you and your totally sick mind and attitude towards the troops serving their country(whichever country it may be) in wars they would rather not be involved in. It isn’t the foot soldiers who decided to be involved in war actions, but rather the leaders of the nations of the world. SHAME ON YOU, MIGUEL!!!

Alaska Leads The Way For Tax Reform and Relief:
There is no state income or sales tax in Alaska; how does Alaska fund its governmental functions? Alaska collects revenue from the companies that extract oil from that state. Alaskan’s even get refunds for excess amounts collected from these companies.
Comment: In a nutshell: The way the Federal Government of the U.S. works is: The people vote their representatives to served them ( that’s what a democracy is all about). The elected representatives are then charged with representing the people.
But, don’t we all know that there exists such animals (predators) known as “lobbyists” who are paid by corporations and businesses to influence those elected representatives and get as good a deal as they can from the Federal Government. As a result, Big Business and corporations get wonderful (to them) and tremendous tax benefits, all to the detriment of the people. Consequently, it is left to the people, and not businesses who pay our representatives with all sorts of favors to pretty much fund the government - all to the better bottom line of business. (Again, it all comes to the almighty dollar).
Folks, this is not the way it is supposed to work. The Federal Government was formed “by the people, for the people and of the people” to represent the people (not the businesses). It would appear that Alaska has gotten it right and taxes the businesses a greater amount, thereby lessening (or even eliminating) taxes paid by the people to fund the government. Conclusion: Lobbyists should be outlawed, and any elected representative charged with creating laws for the people who accept or receive any type of remuneration from anybody should be impeached, tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail. Their reward should be limited to being allowed to serve the people (and receiving a pretty good salary for doing just that. (But that’s just my opinion).
Write your Congressmen and Senators demanding that they serve us, the people, and quit giving business all the tax breaks. (Feel free to copy and paste this article if you wish).

Now To Some Lighter Stuff:

Quotable Quotes: "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. (Joe seems like a nice guy and is very good at his job as football analyst, but don’t we all say something stupid, sometimes? - even Frank and Nancy Sinatra)

Seems like a guy named Dennis Newton was being tried by a jury of his peers for the armed robbery of a convenience store, claiming, of course, innocence. When the store manager testified that Newton was, in fact, the robber, Newton jumped up and shouted “I should have blown your (expletive) head off.” Then giving a few moments to think about what he just had done, Mr. Newton added: “If I had been the one that was there.”
It took the jury only 20 minutes to return with their verdict “Guilty.”
What a dope.

Funny, Funny Stuff from MaryAnn of Oakland. Thanks MaryAnn and keep 'em coming

What will I be when I grow up?
This is just too priceless not to share!

There have been times when I may have;
disturbed you,
troubled you,
pestered you,
irritated you,
bugged you, or
got on your nerves with all the emails I send,

So today I just wanna tell you that...

I PLAN TO CONTINUE !!!!!!

Fun and Games emailed from Cindy H. of Santa Rosa, California. Thanks Cindy:
True or False:
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a
tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords
cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein
transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were
7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
All of the above are supposedly true. I say “supposedly” but neither Cindy nor myself
will attest to the veracity of this statement.

OK - I think that will do it for now; and, by the way, I finally got my “new” computer back from the shop with added RAM - from 256 whatevers up to 512 whatevers, and it is working better and faster than when it was “new.” It only costs an additional $40 U.S. to make this upgrade. I would suggest that everyone think about it.
Thanks for dropping by - your vote and click on my Sponsors’ Links would be much appreciated, but only if you enjoyed the column. See you next time

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Just For Fun

April 8th 2007 02:55

Hello again to Todays World - Today is just going to be for fun (enough already of the heavy stuff)

You will be asked a question about half-way through this column: Please answer it with the first thing that comes to your mind and decide whether or not 2% or 98% of the population would have answered similarly. Comments at the end of the column to follow:
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