Memories, Fairy Tales & Rednecks
March 4th 2008 00:59
TODAYS WORLD: Lawyer Joke (a redundancy?); Nostalgia (do you remember?); fairy tales; management lessons; rednecks and more!!!
Thanks to Peter, Maryann, Craig, Theresa, Don
------------------------------
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN .....?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took 5 minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You would reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Women wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done
every day, and wore high heels?
Remember when your windshield was cleaned, oil checked, & gas pumped, without your asking – all free, every time you went in?
And, no charge for air – and free trading stamps??
Laundry detergent had free glasses or towels hidden in the box?
It was a priviledge to go out for dinner with your family?
Your school threatened to hold kids back a year if they failed a grade – and they actually did it?
A 1957 Chevy was a dream car – for cruising, peeling out. Laying rubber, or watching submarine races
People went steady?
You didn't always ask where the car keys were, they were often in the car. And the doors weren't locked.
Do you remember lying onyour back in the grass with friends and saying, “That cloud looks like a ...”
Playing baseball without adults to help with the rules....
Buying things at the store with regular caps, because no one had tried to poison a stranger...
Do you ever wish you could slip back to a slower pace, to share with your children?
Is there anyone you can talk to about Nancy Dres, the Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody,
The Lone Ranger, The Shadow....
Were there ever really summers of bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling, going to the public pool and eating Kool Aid?
Um, there were also candy shaped cigs, soda machines that gave you glass bottles of Coke,
coffee shops with juke boxes on the table, home milk delivery, newsreels before the movie, tlephone numbers that started Raymond 4-1203,
peashooters, 45 rpm records,
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Lawyer joke (Is that a redundancy?)....
Lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
----------
Fairy tales in the real world
Management Short Lessons
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything a bout the $800 he
owes me?'
Lesson Learned:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you' re up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Lesson Learned:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Lesson Learned:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Lesson Learned:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Lesson Learned:
(1) Not everyone who sh*** on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh** is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh**, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
-------------------
Redneck Stuff!!:
A redneck gal's dream man and the runner up! And, you might be a redneck if.....
Thanks to Peter, Maryann, Craig, Theresa, Don
------------------------------
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN .....?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took 5 minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You would reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Women wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done
every day, and wore high heels?
Remember when your windshield was cleaned, oil checked, & gas pumped, without your asking – all free, every time you went in?
Laundry detergent had free glasses or towels hidden in the box?
It was a priviledge to go out for dinner with your family?
Your school threatened to hold kids back a year if they failed a grade – and they actually did it?
A 1957 Chevy was a dream car – for cruising, peeling out. Laying rubber, or watching submarine races
People went steady?
You didn't always ask where the car keys were, they were often in the car. And the doors weren't locked.
Do you remember lying onyour back in the grass with friends and saying, “That cloud looks like a ...”
Playing baseball without adults to help with the rules....
Buying things at the store with regular caps, because no one had tried to poison a stranger...
Do you ever wish you could slip back to a slower pace, to share with your children?
Is there anyone you can talk to about Nancy Dres, the Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody,
The Lone Ranger, The Shadow....
Were there ever really summers of bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling, going to the public pool and eating Kool Aid?
Um, there were also candy shaped cigs, soda machines that gave you glass bottles of Coke,
peashooters, 45 rpm records,
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Lawyer joke (Is that a redundancy?)....
Lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
----------
Fairy tales in the real world
Management Short Lessons
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything a bout the $800 he
owes me?'
Lesson Learned:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you' re up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Lesson Learned:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Lesson Learned:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Lesson Learned:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Lesson Learned:
(1) Not everyone who sh*** on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh** is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh**, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
-------------------
Redneck Stuff!!:
A redneck gal's dream man and the runner up! And, you might be a redneck if.....
baby redneck time out
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